Getting up at 8am is tiring.

That's why I get up at 9. Sometimes.

• I have this thing when I must read the paper everyday - not just the Metro (I made a new rule that I have to read every word in the Metro or it doesn't count - I especially love Amy Rudd's art reviews) but the real paper...that means The Guardian. Which reminds me, watch this Russell Howard clip on newspapers. Anyway 'cause I'm poor and incapable of not spending all my cash in a 48 hour wine, crisps and sweets bender straight after payday I read it online these days. The Guardian lists the five 'most viewed' stories each day and last week, after the Spanish runway accident which killed 153 people, you might expect that tragedy of human suffering to claim top spot, yes? Obviously not. It came a poor second to...yeah, you guessed it: Mikael Silvestre - a Man Utd reserve central defender, is moving to Arsenal. What a fucking disgrace The Guardian readership is. I know which article I read, anyway.

• Mikael Silvestre's move to Arsenal is said to only be costing £750,000. That is reasonable.
  

• When people make groups on Facebook about hanging pederasts and such like, why don't they take time to check spellings, punctuation etc. I understand people feel like they must take action to stop cases of abuse, gun crime, stabbings. And I also understand why they then don't take any tangible action but merely set up a hate-spewing collection of impotent text-based rage that will never, ever achieve anything (except maybe one of the many groups about making Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister, that might work - it did, at least, earn a response from No. 10). But seriously, just take a second and check what you've written actually qualifies as English words.

• A couple of my favourite things are; crisps, wine, Oreos and blonde girls. However, possibly my favouritest thing in the world is people who comment on other people's news stories on the Internet. I'm talking about those little comments at the bottom of real articles written by professional journalists. Like on The Guardian's Comment is Free and the BBC's Have Your Say. Or, the very cess-pit of the genre, those who start 'flame wars' below Youtube videos. In any event Speak Your Branes collects the truly mental comments in one place, for our amusement. Highlights today include "Generally speaking, nowadays I wouldn’t trust men to discipline small young child unchecked, while considering that many men are now on or dealing in drugs." Mind you I only found that reactionary gibberish amusing because I'm so fucked on Ketamine.
  

• Most laughable lyric of the week comes to us from the sublime James Morrison.

"When I'm not sure of my priorities
When I'm not sure of who I'm meant to be"

• I'll let the faux philosophical posturing pass for now. It's the use of the word 'priorities' that I warm to. I love that the girl (or boy...I'm not racist) who is the subject of this heartfelt tribute helps poor James out with his priorities. I hope he also receives assistance with time management, filing and other organisational tasks.
  

• Choice lyric for me is from those nice Black Kids . They can have two actually but they're from the same song.

"I say baby, you say bump it
All you wanna hear is Gabriel’s trumpet"
and
"Sure, I know it’s apocalypse
But can’t it wait til I kiss your lips?"

• The first because of it's ridiculous, yet admirable, quest for the rhyme. The second deserves it because I am really scared about the coming apocalypse (be it Islam or Russia related ) but I agree, it'll all be fine if I can just get off with someone.

What I think about things that don't matter.

Welcome to my new regular web-based update. Fuck the word 'blog. And if you do use it make sure it has that apostrophe denoting the missing letters. I assume everyone also writes 'bus, 'phone and fax'. That is if anyone sends facsimiles these days. Maybe they'll come back and be all cool. Like the other day I remembered I used to have a pager and thought would be a class thing to bring back. You can receive texts and messages from 'phones but can't respond to them. Class.

The new format of this page will be tiny little thoughts on things I read in the paper or crass judgments on things that someone funnier, cleverer and more intelligent than I wrote or did.

Such as.....

• The Courteeners are shit aren't they? Dead shit.

• Read this thing about some village in Tibet who have a real live living goddess that they choose out of available, eligible three year old girls. The criteria for the post of living representation of a deity is thus: they must have a voice ''as soft and clear as a duck's'' - yes, a duck's. I have spent, like everyone, so many hours listening to sweet ducksong melody. Like angels they are. Angels playing a kazoo. With gravel in their mouth. Next up is "the body of a Banyan tree and the chest of a lion". This is mental. I've seen a Banyan tree up close and everything. It consists of upwards of twenty dangling tree roots trailing down to the dirt. So that's odd. Now, the chest of a lion. Hmmm....so this kid, this god-like human must have many, many limbs reaching to the ground and a hairy chest. May I put forward a really big spider? I also found out that her parents aren’t allowed to tell her off. Well she is God. Or something. Anyway that's nowt, neither were mine. Well, me mam wasn't. That’s why I’m such a dick. I’m reminded of Russell Brand's comment when recollecting my mam's attitude towards my life's achievements and, more often failures and misdemeanours, he stated "my mum thinks I'm a brilliant swimmer because I've never drowned". Quite. My mum feels this way even though I have very nearly drowned. Twice.

• So...apparently the Olympics have been mad good. Loads of winning and everything for Team GB (not my gay name for them but the telly's - I call them 'the runners and that'). Best medal haul for a million years. Sandwiched, as they are between the A Level and GCSE results I'm afraid I must voice the concern that is on the minds of an otherwise proud nation. Are the Olympics getting easier? Definitely. In my day you had to run 130 metres to be fastest man alive. And that's with bananas being rationed. We didn't have rowing either. We had WWF and the Chuckle Brothers. No medals for that, I tell you.
  

• New Teddy Thompson album. It's fucking mint.

• Bloc Party were on the radio and sounded like such a bunch of melodramatic, over-serious cuntwipes that I was going to stop using the words 'bloc' and 'party' as a kind of odd linguistic protest. But then they were asked how they met. One of them - I don't know their stupid names, probably Luke, Stefan and Guillame if I were to guess - said "We met Stefan when he was pilled of his face at Leeds festival". So now they're alright. And I don't even ever use the word 'bloc' anyway.
  

• This isn't very funny right, but still it warrants a mention. There was a story in the Daily Mail about a fella stabbing up a fella to death in South Africa. Nothing too different there eh? But wait on. Apparently this murderous chap was partial to a bit of the old Slipknot. Case closed then. Hanging's too good for the mask-wearing bastards who style themselves as a pioneering band in the New Wave of American Heavy Metal. Remember when Slipknot killed that schoolkid in South Africa with a Samurai sword? I bet that's what he was copying. Or...he lives in one of the most tempestuous, murderous of all the developed countries that has ever been in existence. You decide.

• There was a cat with four ears in the papers today. What pisses me off though is that it looked quite old. I would've wanted to know about this lovely little freak as soon as it was born. It should have been on Reuters news update - "Freak cat born (but don't talk about it...it'll hear you)".

• The new Keane track is honestly a great bit of music. And I hate Keane. But it sound likes Duran Duran mixed with someone good. I reckon it sounds a bit like Ultra, but not enough people got into Ultra. Look them up. Classic electronic pop.

• Re: the above statement. Just to clarify...Keane are still utter cunts (see below).
  

• Oh I decided I would have a regular feature. It's going to be..."Lyrics I like - Lyrics that are shit". Catchy eh?

• Worst lyric of the week....The aforementioned losers Keane;
• "I fashioned you from jewels and stone
  I made you in the image of myself"
• This was odd to me because I was certain Tom out of Keane was fashioned out of Brie and foie gras.
  

• I just spent way too much time finding out whether Brie should be capitalised. It should though. But foie gras is not.

• Belting lyric of the week is an easy award. Step forward...Mystery Jets
  
• "Yes, hideaway if you must
  But how can you put your trust
  In a man who always sleeps in his clothes?"

Goodnight everyone. I love you all.

Some Things I Thought Were Funny