What I think about things that don't matter.

Welcome to my new regular web-based update. Fuck the word 'blog. And if you do use it make sure it has that apostrophe denoting the missing letters. I assume everyone also writes 'bus, 'phone and fax'. That is if anyone sends facsimiles these days. Maybe they'll come back and be all cool. Like the other day I remembered I used to have a pager and thought would be a class thing to bring back. You can receive texts and messages from 'phones but can't respond to them. Class.

The new format of this page will be tiny little thoughts on things I read in the paper or crass judgments on things that someone funnier, cleverer and more intelligent than I wrote or did.

Such as.....

• The Courteeners are shit aren't they? Dead shit.

• Read this thing about some village in Tibet who have a real live living goddess that they choose out of available, eligible three year old girls. The criteria for the post of living representation of a deity is thus: they must have a voice ''as soft and clear as a duck's'' - yes, a duck's. I have spent, like everyone, so many hours listening to sweet ducksong melody. Like angels they are. Angels playing a kazoo. With gravel in their mouth. Next up is "the body of a Banyan tree and the chest of a lion". This is mental. I've seen a Banyan tree up close and everything. It consists of upwards of twenty dangling tree roots trailing down to the dirt. So that's odd. Now, the chest of a lion. Hmmm....so this kid, this god-like human must have many, many limbs reaching to the ground and a hairy chest. May I put forward a really big spider? I also found out that her parents aren’t allowed to tell her off. Well she is God. Or something. Anyway that's nowt, neither were mine. Well, me mam wasn't. That’s why I’m such a dick. I’m reminded of Russell Brand's comment when recollecting my mam's attitude towards my life's achievements and, more often failures and misdemeanours, he stated "my mum thinks I'm a brilliant swimmer because I've never drowned". Quite. My mum feels this way even though I have very nearly drowned. Twice.

• So...apparently the Olympics have been mad good. Loads of winning and everything for Team GB (not my gay name for them but the telly's - I call them 'the runners and that'). Best medal haul for a million years. Sandwiched, as they are between the A Level and GCSE results I'm afraid I must voice the concern that is on the minds of an otherwise proud nation. Are the Olympics getting easier? Definitely. In my day you had to run 130 metres to be fastest man alive. And that's with bananas being rationed. We didn't have rowing either. We had WWF and the Chuckle Brothers. No medals for that, I tell you.
  

• New Teddy Thompson album. It's fucking mint.

• Bloc Party were on the radio and sounded like such a bunch of melodramatic, over-serious cuntwipes that I was going to stop using the words 'bloc' and 'party' as a kind of odd linguistic protest. But then they were asked how they met. One of them - I don't know their stupid names, probably Luke, Stefan and Guillame if I were to guess - said "We met Stefan when he was pilled of his face at Leeds festival". So now they're alright. And I don't even ever use the word 'bloc' anyway.
  

• This isn't very funny right, but still it warrants a mention. There was a story in the Daily Mail about a fella stabbing up a fella to death in South Africa. Nothing too different there eh? But wait on. Apparently this murderous chap was partial to a bit of the old Slipknot. Case closed then. Hanging's too good for the mask-wearing bastards who style themselves as a pioneering band in the New Wave of American Heavy Metal. Remember when Slipknot killed that schoolkid in South Africa with a Samurai sword? I bet that's what he was copying. Or...he lives in one of the most tempestuous, murderous of all the developed countries that has ever been in existence. You decide.

• There was a cat with four ears in the papers today. What pisses me off though is that it looked quite old. I would've wanted to know about this lovely little freak as soon as it was born. It should have been on Reuters news update - "Freak cat born (but don't talk about it...it'll hear you)".

• The new Keane track is honestly a great bit of music. And I hate Keane. But it sound likes Duran Duran mixed with someone good. I reckon it sounds a bit like Ultra, but not enough people got into Ultra. Look them up. Classic electronic pop.

• Re: the above statement. Just to clarify...Keane are still utter cunts (see below).
  

• Oh I decided I would have a regular feature. It's going to be..."Lyrics I like - Lyrics that are shit". Catchy eh?

• Worst lyric of the week....The aforementioned losers Keane;
• "I fashioned you from jewels and stone
  I made you in the image of myself"
• This was odd to me because I was certain Tom out of Keane was fashioned out of Brie and foie gras.
  

• I just spent way too much time finding out whether Brie should be capitalised. It should though. But foie gras is not.

• Belting lyric of the week is an easy award. Step forward...Mystery Jets
  
• "Yes, hideaway if you must
  But how can you put your trust
  In a man who always sleeps in his clothes?"

Goodnight everyone. I love you all.