There Is No Such Thing As a Former Alcoholic.

A response to Alcohol-free January: Where can you go to avoid people drinking?

I recently watched Alistair Campbell (the misanthropic puppet-master of the whole New Labour carry-on as opposed to the front-man of UB40) on television discussing his battle with alcoholism. While I respect his efforts in the eternal struggle against drinking too much fermented liquid (what a ridiculous thing to do - all this destruction for a wee bit of ethanol) it is irresponsible and frankly incorrect for Campbell or others to refer to him as a 'former alcoholic'. Which did occur on this program. Alcoholism has no cure. I am an alcoholic but I am currently sober and would describe myself as 'in recovery'. Descent into the darkest days of my alcohol abuse is always just around the corner. I am in a state of constant vigilance to stay away from alcohol in any forms. There is no cure for alcoholism at this moment of time. Or believe me, I would have found it. I repeat myself to emphasise this point. In the 18 months since I quit drinking 'for good' I have lapsed three times and I was immediately plunged back into the despair and chaos by these three events. I have no memory of what happened or what triggered me to drink. 'Tis the nature of this cruel and baffling illness.That's a total of five days but a hell of a lot longer to clear up the pieces.

Literally in terms of my glass door.

It is hard to deal with the culture of drinking in this country and regretfully I have had to cut friends and situations out of my life that I felt could distract me from my continual efforts to stay sober. I have also cut down my visits to see live music in pubs that I used to frequent if I think there is chance I may feel the urge to drink which is always lurking in the shadows. As a wonderful therapist - one of several to whom I will be eternally grateful - told me "if you spend your time in a barber shop, sooner or later you will get a haircut".

There is a reason one of the key mantras of the wonderful Alcoholics Anonymous movement/organisation is 'Just For Today'. Today I didn't pass out, vomit, soil myself, smash through my plate glass front door, fall out of a tree and break my pelvis, I wasn't taken by ambulance to hospital after having a seizure from withdrawal and then admit myself to rehab. All things that did happen when I was drinking and will happen again if I let my guard down for even a moment. That includes describing oneself as a 'former alcoholic'. I will never be free of this disease - as it is now described in the DSM-IV - I just manage it. My way is by total abstinence and I would encourage others to follow this path. Just For Today. I realise I have meandered down a tangent here. To answer those questions at the end of the article, yes, I have found it difficult to avoid drink. That's never going away as long-serving members of my home group seem to almost relish informing me. But I have an extraordinary amount of free time previously spent drinking to put my broken life back together. There's no more scrabbling for loose change down the back of the sofa or cashing in my measly collection of low-denomination coins to buy a bottle of disgusting gut rot cider. Previously I 'needed' it in order to take the shakes away and calm down my squawking brain from telling me how shit I am and what a fuck-up I've become. The money I have saved helps me afford trips to see friends who live far away, finish a TEFL college course and am currently taking advanced guitar lessons (to relearn the theory and eliminate the bad habits I've picked up in recent years). I am a member of a creative writing group and take art classes. No alcohol in those places. I have also picked up my cricket 'career' again. No-one cares that my tipple of choice after a game is fresh orange and soda water. I'm writing songs again as well as words for my own pleasure as opposed to work (I am a recreational linguist). All of these things I intended to do while I was drinking but never got round to. As I was generally drunk.

Visits to the cinema and bowling are examples of social activities that I used to drink at but now enjoy sober. You'd be surprised how many cans of packaged pre-mixed gin and tonics you can sneak into a showing of the Sex and The City. It's eight.

In summary, recovery is out there if you want it badly enough and are willing to rethink your lifestyle and behaviours drastically. To return to my original point. it is my belief (and countless others') there is no such thing as a former alcoholic. it is a ticking time-bomb which has no convenient digital display counting down to the potential explosion. It could literally go off at any moment in time unless one is aware of its existence. And the fallout will resemble a personal Three Mile Island. This shit doesn't go away on its own, its's fucking hard graft.

To paraphrase Craig Ferguson, who became an inspiration to me around the time I was desperately trying to get sober for a few months to prepare for my admission to rehab (I didn't want to go there still drinking),"The battle is over. You lost''. But the war isn't over. Far from it.

Thanks for reading.

Alex - An alcoholic. Sober today. We'll see what happens tomorrow.